Men and women suffer equally

Domestic violence hits men Domestic violence in Egypt – The nature of a twofold non-existing problem When Ali Karam took a seat in the coffee-shop, the first sentence sputtering out of his mouth was “domestic violence against girls and women in Egypt is a big problem; domestic violence against men however, is a problem of equal importance.
Then he relaxed a little bit, put his tea into his hand, but did not drink. It seemed that he really wanted to speak out and tell his story.
“We need to pay attention that we do not speak about the problem of domestic violence merely in a gendered manner. It affects us all, men and women,” he told Bikyamasr.com
The difference lies, he continued, “in the form of violence and the form of the misuse of power by the violator.”
Ali Karam is one man, who suffered from domestic violence when he was a child. As he told Bikyamasr.com, being heavily beaten and strapped as well as discriminated and disadvantaged within his own family, was part of his childhood.
“I was regularly beaten by my mother when I was a child,” he said.
“Most of time it happened after she came from the market or was in the city. Then she often was nervous and furious to a certain extent. Once she came even crying, but I did not ask her why,” he retold of his childhood.
“We were not as close. One time, she was so fed up that I had several open wounds afterwards.”
While Karam is speaking, his voice and facial expression stays unchanged. No emotion.
“My father never touched me but when I told him in the evening when he came home from work, he admonished me not to behave as a girl. He said that women are beaten most of the time so I should not lie.”
Although domestic violence is most of the time equated with physical violence of a man directed against a woman, Karam reveals not even half of the truth in Egypt.
Domestic violence is not just against women. Men and children, grandmothers and grandfathers and disabled people are affected.
Throwing the grandfather adrift when he turns out to be nothing more than a burden everyone needs to care about, is also a form of domestic violence.
The fact that the violator is a woman is not as common, but it exists.
According to a quantitative research conducted by the El Nadim Center for Psychological Rehabilitation of Violence in Egypt, including 1261 women from five governorates of Egypt, the majority of responses mentioned the husband as the most common violator (40 percent) and the father (33 percent), followed by the family of the husband (8 percent) and the family of the wife (7 percent). Only four percent mentioned the wife and three percent the mother.
Concerning the status of the victim, the wife is the family member most often subjected to violence, followed by the daughters with 25 percent and the son with 9 percent.
In Karam’s case, the constellation of violator and victim is therefore not as usual.
“I have two sisters,” Karam continued. “But none of them suffered even once. They were lucky and I felt lucky for them as well. They were really nice with me but they could not stop my mother from beating me. I also never wanted them to do so as I was scared for them as well.”
He continues that today, “I know that the extent I was beaten was not normal, but I felt so ashamed and at the end even thought that I deserved it. It nearly became part of my life,” he paused.
The fact that the violator tries to turn the table and blame the victim so that at the end he or she feels like the culprit is not unique to Egypt, but it’s striking, as United Nations statistics reveal that 50 percent of adolescents aged 15-19 believe that a husband is justified in beating his wife under certain circumstances.
This reveals a huge extent of acceptance.
“One of the reasons why it is accepted can be found in the fact that violence is most of the time considered as well-intentioned discipline getting out of hand,” explained Nehad Abu el-Komsan, Director of the Egyptian Center for Women’s Rights (ECWR).
“Men explain themselves by stating that their violence is motivated by love and care and the feeling that the man must protect the woman of doing something wrong,” she continued.
This is one aspect of a patriarchal society. Women in return, beat their children most of the time under the false pretence of education.
“After being in this business and gaining experience over 18 years now, I am still surprised that so many crimes are committed under the pretext of love and care and protection. Even female genital manipulation is considered as an act of love,” Abu el-Komsan told Bikyamasr.com.
“Now, I see the vicious circle,” argued Karam. “I think my mother also suffered from her role as a woman.”
“Maybe she was harassed as well and needed to get out her psychological injury with violence as she had no other possibility because of the tremendous law enforcement here in Egypt.”
Despite the fact that Egypt has signed and ratified numerous international conventions that guarantee the equal protection of all its citizens such as the ‘Convention of the Elimination of all Forms of Discrimination against Women’ or the ‘Convention on the Rights of the Child,’ the problem persists almost unnoticed, undocumented and unpunished most of the time.
According to the United Nation’s Statistic Division, domestic violence “does not exist in Egypt’s official statistics.”
Studies conducted by the Egyptian Center for Women’s Rights in 2008, however showed that 60 percent of Egyptian women, regardless of their attire, were harassed daily, while 98 percent of foreign women reported the same.
“I tried to accept it. I remember that I did not even want to talk about it with my best friend as I was scared that it could spread around,” Karam continued.
“But so many times, I was crying in my bed, feeling pain, hoping that my father will do something. But he never did.”
Suddenly his phone started ringing. A smile came to his face, indicating the first emotional reaction during our talk.
“This is a friend of mine,” he explained. “We are meeting from time to time and I really like her. I don’t know if you can imagine but she is the first woman I am meeting and interested in. Never before I felt like trusting a woman.
“I think it was because of the insults of my mother, accusing me of being a bad child, immodest and rude. This harmed me a lot,” he admitted.
Karam still suffers from the violence he experienced inside his own home. The physical, sexual, emotional or psychological trauma, affecting the health and well-being across the lifespan, is deep.
But most of the time the topic is hushed within the social and economic frameworks of their life. It is not discussed about. Neither within the family, nor with friends, nor with the legal system, which should be there to help, is domestic violence broached.
Based on the commandment to discipline the disobedient woman, Section 60 of the Criminal Code of Egypt provides that “no punitive damages can be obtained if the woman has been beaten by her husband with good intentions.”
Good intentions is defined as circumstances in which “1) the beating is not severe; and 2) the beating is not directed at the face; and 3) the beating is not aimed at vulnerable fatal blow areas.”
Even with good evidence of the cause of injury, misogynist interpretations of the family honor and the conservative notion of beating with good intentions results in the court’s dismissing most cases.
Domestic violence is a massive social problem in Egypt, but is invisible in its nature. The vast majority avoids speaking about it because it is considered either as normal or as good intentioned, or as pointless to revolt against, as a consequence of the poor possibilities of law enforcement and the failure to make adequate provisions for social and other support facilities for women living with violence.
This results in a vicious circle, with the situation worsening and nobody being able to get out of the circle of violence. In order to stop the situation from going even worse, according to Abu el-Komsan, two things need to be done.
“What we need is to provide security and a save environment which is based on the understanding of equality.
“We need to make people aware and open their eyes for the real meaning of love, care and protection and how to express it in a lovely and nonviolent way,” she continued.
“Furthermore, we need justice and an effective legal system to ensure that the home will return to be a save place not a place where people are scared to go.”
When could be a better momentum for change than now, she asks.
The Egyptian revolution set the beginning of the revolution of the women as well as other discriminated groups and layers of society, demanding better roles, an equal status and equal opportunities.
But in order to change something or to at least bring the topic of domestic violence within official statistics, society as a whole must start a debate reconsidering its patriarchal structure, build up an effective legal system and combat the process of increasing misinterpretation of Islam and its values.
There is a long road to go but more and more experiences are being shared via Facebook and Twitter, encouraging others to do the same and speak up loud for their rights.
The Internet and especially Facebook gave the weak the opportunity to gain and share experiences and to learn how things are, can be and are supposed to be.
Some “nude revolts,” as for instance from Aliaa Mahdy, changed the global perspective on how women are viewed in the Arab world, when she posted in November a full-frontal nude photo of herself on her blog.
Abu el-Komsan remains skeptical. “Within two decades, some things have changed. But I doubt if the future will turn things much better.”
How far society will make use of it and change the situation, remains to be seen.