Are you a love bully?

It isn't always easy to recognise the emotional tools we use to manipulate our partners, but consciously or not, we all do it. Louisa Wilkins looks at the damage our love bullying can do, and how we can learn to change our behaviour. It's so much easier to recognise other people's faults than your own. That's a given most of us can all agree on. Another is that relationships aren't always easy. Living together every day, every month, every year, and the stressful situations you subsequently have to deal with together, ensures other people's personality traits and behaviours become obvious - glaring even. Like the continuous drip of water on your forehead that eventually starts to feel like a ton of bricks, something that initially seemed like a small character flaw may eventually come to feel like the most annoying trait in the world. Now have a think about your own drips of water. Psychologists have identified specific strategies people commonly employ in their relationships in order to argue, manipulate situations, or express their frustrations and anger. In an extreme form, these strategies may be termed abusive. However, most of us use these relationship tools in a milder, less aggressive manner to fine-tune our relationships and meander the minefield of marriage. We all do it. There is no shame in admitting it. After all, we are not Dr Phil. We can't possibly react to every relationship hiccup in the professionally-advised way. But even in a mild form, these love tools can be highly damaging for yourself, your partner and your relationship. By becoming aware of them, it can help you to use them less frequently, and therefore lead to healthier, happier relationships. Clare Smart, a counsellor at LifeWorks Counselling Dubai (www.counsellingdubai.com), says emotional bullying is a serious issue - especially when it's the woman doing the bullying. "Emotional bullying is extremely damaging, not just to the relationship, but to the emotional health of both people involved. Men may be less likely to admit that they are being bullied in their relationship as they may view it as a weakness. This may lead to him withdrawing emotionally from the relationship and becoming depressed, or anxious, thus creating a vicious cycle." Ala'a Abuali, counselling psychologist at Synergy Integrated Medical Centre, Dubai (www.synergyctrdubai.com), says many people may not realise how damaging emotional bullying within a relationship can be, so may not seek help for it. She says, "By the time most people come in for counselling, it has already started affecting their self-esteem, or they may be suffering from depression, and they may not understand that it is the relationship that is affecting them… they might attribute it to something else, such as work stress or financial worries. The relationship behaviour has become normal. When we think of abuse, we tend to think of physical hurt... people don't notice or recognise emotional bullying because the bruises are internal." Smart agrees. "I can't think of anyone who has said to me, ‘I'm a victim of emotional bullying.' It goes under the radar… even for the victim. It's subtle, manipulative behaviour that chips away at someone's self-confidence and can lead to depression." The point is, while relationship tools are commonly used, it's not OK just to dismiss them as ‘normal'. You may think, "I can't help it. That's just the way I am. That's how I deal with things." But your behaviour is likely to be eating away at your partner's happiness and, subsequently, your relationship. Is this what you want? Take a long, hard look at yourself through honest eyes, and think about how it would feel to be on the other end of your relationship tactics. By identifying the weapons you subconsciously use, you can consciously make an effort to put them down. The love tools Here are eight relationship manipulation tactics, how they work and the damage they cause. We asked readers via our Facebook page to fill in a questionnaire about the relationship tactics they use - some of their answers are printed here anonymously - and Synergy's Ala'a has given us her thoughts on each tactic and how to change the behaviour. 1 Domination It's your way or the highway - and if you don't get your own way, you sulk, argue, cause a fuss or are just generally unpleasant to be around. The effect: Being dominated can lead to a loss of self-respect and feeling side-lined or voiceless. Real-life reader feedback: "My husband says that I want my own way all the time and, to be honest, 90 per cent of the time I do get my own way. When I don't, there is either an argument or I play emotional games to make sure I do get my own way in the end." The expert: "The person on the receiving end may feel as if they are being controlled. However, this domination might not be coming from a wish to control... it might come from insecurity. In other cases, domination might stem from a selfish personality trait." Change it: "Find a way of compromising - for example, you choose this time, I'll choose next time. Ask your partner to tell you when you are high-roading them." 2 Unreasonable expectations Do you think your husband could be a better husband, earn more money, be nicer to your family, be more romantic, listen to you more, spend more time with the children and help out more around the house? If so, perhaps your expectations are too high for anyone to fill. The effect: He may feel that no matter how hard he tries, it will never be enough. This constant criticism can eventually lead to him believing that he is a let-down. Real-life reader feedback: "I do find myself saying things like this to my husband, but I think they are true. My first husband, although he was by no means perfect, was more romantic and attentive. When I tell my present husband that he doesn't tell me nice things enough, he just gets frustrated as if I am asking for the earth. But I don't think I am being unreasonable." The expert: Ala'a says, "It may come from a woman's own issues - no matter what he does, she won't ever feel loved enough. He will eventually start blocking it out." Change it: "Try expressing how you feel rather than making demands. As children, we grow up watching Disney movies about princesses. As adults we watch rom-coms. We need to remember what's realistic and what's not. Also, some people have a warped romanticised idea of past relationships, which is not healthy either." 3 Verbal attacks Name-calling, criticisms, shouting, screaming, swearing, ridiculing, sarcasm, and humiliating are all forms of verbal abuse. This is especially hurtful when it happens in front of other people - including your own children. The effect: Verbal attacks can seriously rock someone's self-confidence and self-worth. Real-life reader feedback: "I do my best never to argue in front of people. We both swear at each other and sometimes the arguments can be quite spiteful and upsetting. But I do my utmost never to do it in public... I have done that in the past and he was far more hurt than normal. I felt really bad and promised we would never ‘take it to the streets' again." The expert: "It's hard for people to hear these things all the time. Did the attacker grow up in an environment where it's normal to yell and scream and threaten? Not only does it hurt a person's confidence, but it is unhealthy for the relationship, too. Also, the person shouting may feel guilty about it later. Couples often do this in a counselling session.... they tell me they do it in front of their kids, their parents, their friends... it's become their normal behaviour and it happens every day." Change it: "Sit down with yourself and ask yourself, ‘Why do I do this?' Ask your partner what it is like for them. Recognise your triggers - the exact moment when it happens. Is there someone in your life who treated you like that? How did it make you feel? People might be stressed in other areas of their life, but they will not act like this at work or with friends. People then internalise the stress and take it out on the one person they know that loves them unconditionally." 4 Unpredictable responses One day you are fine with him playing golf all weekend. The next day it is a relationship-breaking issue. The effect: He will be constantly nervous, waiting for the next big emotional explosion. The inconsistency of your reaction will make him feel as if he can't trust your behaviour and that he doesn't know how to make you happy. Real-life reader feedback: "I do this... it's a bit crazy. Sometimes I don't mind him using his BlackBerry at the dinner table and other times it really bothers me. I think it depends on whether I really need him to listen to me and my son, or if I am busy and I need him to attend to my son. It gets him crazy but he can't argue with it." The expert: "This could be due to mood changes or due to something else going on - for example, something at work is bothering you and he is an easy target. Arguing over the BlackBerry is a good example." Change it: "You need to be consistent. Express how you are feeling, rather than flaring up. Most couples fight over small things, but these usually represent something much bigger." 5 Constant chaos Are you the type of person who prefers to get things out in the open and battle it out, rather than let things simmer? Do you like a good argument? Is there any chance that you provoke confrontations or arguments on purpose because you like the intensity of emotion that it causes? Many people who enjoy constant chaos were conditioned to enjoy it by growing up with parents who fought all the time. The effect: Eventually he will become permanently defensive and it will be hard to have a normal conversation that doesn't end up in an argument, which is very unhealthy for a relationship and stressful for both parties. Real-life reader feedback: "It's fun arguing! I love him a lot and am very possessive about him, so anything he does to provoke me starts an argument. Luckily, he is more quiet. My mother used to nag a lot, but my father was also quiet." The expert: "Many couples fight to avoid dealing with emotional expression... they are not feeling, just fighting. Normally it comes from an underlying fear of losing the other person." Change it: "Try expressing your emotions more than the anger. Why are you doing it? What are you afraid of? What are you feeling, rather than what is your reaction? It's easier to say you feel angry than to say you feel hurt as admitting that you are hurt makes you feel vulnerable." 6 Emotional blackmail Using threats to get what you want, or to win an argument - such as, threatening to leave, or to go out without him. The effect: Being blackmailed makes people feel they are being manipulated, which will eventually lead to frustration, resentment and anger - all directed at you. Real-life reader feedback: "Every time we argue I say, ‘Let's just split up' or something similar. But I never mean it." The expert: "Blackmail is all about feeling of power. It makes people feel powerful to be more assertive. Used regularly, this will eventually become overwhelming for him and lead to massive conflict." Change it: "Are your threats coming from feeling powerless? Empathise with your partner - nobody likes to feel manipulated, or feel that their weaknesses are being played on." 7 Rejection and withholding affection Giving the cold shoulder, not speaking for days at a time, moving into the spare room, not being affectionate - these are physical expressions of your hurt, anger or frustration. The effect: By purposefully neglecting someone's feelings and needs, you can make them feel unloved and discarded. Real-life reader feedback: "When I am hurt really badly I don't even answer the phone to him. We normally make up in a day or two. I feel I always make the first contact... I try to make him see sense that I am right and he is wrong. If he approaches me after an argument, I react badly to him. I am easy as well as difficult - a handle-with-care type - but I love him a lot." The expert: "This happens a lot. I think it stems from a fear of rejection... it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy." Change it: "Look at when it happens and why. Why are you pushing affection away? Is it because you are unhappy in the relationship? If so, this could be a way to push the person away rather than be honest. If this is not the case, is it because you have a fear about losing the relationship? Stop looking at the past and start talking about how you want your relationship to look in the future." 8 Isolating Do you spend more time as a couple with your own friends and family than with your partner's? Isolating someone involves putting distance between them and their social group, either through organising meet-ups with your own social group more, being verbally derogatory about them, or just being unpleasant enough to his friends and family so that invites from them slow down. The effect: People on the receiving end of isolation may feel lonely and almost homesick for their friends, family and life. Real-life reader feedback: "My partner doesn't really have a social circle here in Dubai so his social circle is mine. But he rarely goes out with me, so most of my social life excludes him as he prefers to stay in." The expert: "Everyone deserves a support system - even if you are very close as a couple." Change it: "Ask yourself why you fear him spending time with his family and friends? Do you worry that he may love them more than he loves you? Make an effort to spend time with his friends and family. Find a balance of spending time together and apart… normalise the thought that even when apart, he still loves you. It is normal to go through a honeymoon phase at the start of a relationship where you are always together, but it is also normal to go to the next stage where people argue and spend time with others." Why do we do it? Clare Smart, counsellor at LifeWorks Counselling Dubai, says, "Emotional bullying often stems from a person's own insecurities, such as low self-esteem, unhappiness, and a lack of understanding about how a healthy relationship is maintained. I see a lot of individuals who have had a lot of failed relationships, depression, self-esteem issues, anxiety… The needs of men and women differ in relationships - we tend to give what we want to receive, and this can create problems when we don't receive it. In an attempt to have needs met, a woman may become increasingly desperate and may resort to bullying. This is often a desperate attempt to get attention and affection from the other party, but, sadly, it will usually provoke an opposite response, such as rejection or anger, in both the short and long term. "Anyone experiencing such difficulties in a relationship should seek help from a professional to enable them to address any individual issues they might have, and also as a couple to learn new and healthy ways to communicate. It is important that individual problems are addressed before the two people can move on to communicate in an effective manner." From Gulfnews